There were certain things you did not do when your long time companion was six months pregnant.
First, you did not comment about the clothing he now wore. The jeans had stopped fitting after the fourth month. So, they moved to sweat pants. But apparently aliens have skin issues with elastic around the swollen belly. So now, Clark was wearing a yellow pineapple covered blue muumuu.
With flip-flops.
Lex's inner fashion model was screaming.
Then there was the food, which one did not comment about, either.
Clark had always eaten like a stevedore, but now, he was eating for four. So, he ate like five stevedores. And his favorite dish at the moment was creamed corn, bleu cheese dressing, and cheetos.
All in the same bowl.
So, Lex was eating out a lot these days.
Which led to thing number three that you did not comment about.
The 'you don't find me sexy, anymore, do you?' question.
Well, there was no good answer to that one, never was, and never would be.
Lex found himself kissing his lover to distraction a lot these days, which was thankfully working. Lexine was also helping; learning to do baby things like crawl, scream, and cry. All in all, Lex Luthor's life was pretty… completely unnormal.
Tonight was one of those nights that Lex was wishing on anyone else, preferably someone he hated.
"Clark, do you really think this is a good idea?"
"Lex, what else should I do?"
"Clark, you're six months pregnant. I think it's time to hang up the cape."
Clark turned around; his swollen belly extending out past his feet, all covered in blue Lycra. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The S on his chest was kind of pulled down into a misshapen J. The red trunks were spread over his ass, but completely hidden from view in the front. He hadn't been able to get the boots on without help, so he was still wearing the flip-flops.
"Clark, if I can find someone to take over, will you at least wait until the babies are born before going out again?"
"All right, but I need to go out tonight."
Lex sighed, but instead of complaining, picked up Clark's red boots.
"Umm... I don't think I can get those on, tonight."
"Feet swell again?"
Clark nodded miserably. "Yeah. I'll just wear these."
"If that's what you want, love, that's fine."
Lex tossed the boots back to the floor and went over for a kiss, leaning over the obstacle of his children to be, finding Clark's soft lips. When they broke apart, Lex watched him go, as Superman, his red cape, on which a particularly recent and nasty spit-up stain was drying, fluttering in the breeze, lifted off. Lex watched until one flip-flop fell off, somewhere over 5th St., then turned to go upstairs to check on his daughter.
Two hours later, Lex was at his desk finishing up some paperwork when Superman returned. Clark entered his study and flopped down on the couch. One look sent Lex over to his side with only a quick stop for a box of Kleenex.
"What's wrong?"
"It was horrible."
"What happened? A murder? A kidnapping?"
"No," Clark sobbed. "I got about fifty feet before one of my shoes fell off. Then I was over the park, but I had to pee. So I stopped at the band shelter, and barely got my costume off in time. Then I got over to the riverdocks, and stopped a gang from beating up a kid, but I had to go again. But I couldn't find a bathroom. So I had to go behind a building. Then I lost my other shoe." Clark curled up in Lex's arms and sobbed.
"Shhhh... shhh... It'll be all right. This was your last night, okay? We'll figure out something. Come on, let's get you cleaned up and into bed."
"I'm hungry. Do we have any Cheetos?"
Lex managed not to sigh as he led his barefooted, Lycra-wearing love to the kitchen.
The next morning, Lex demanded that Clark stay in bed as long as he wanted. He had a meeting with his father, and it would just be better for them both if Clark, in his delicate state, weren't anywhere near Lionel.
He had just finished feeding Lexine from a bottle of expressed milk when his father marched into his office.
"Hello, Lex." He boomed. "Where is the big woman?"
"Don't even start, Dad. It was a bad night."
"Ahhh," Lionel replied, reaching for Lexine. For some reason Lex had yet to figure out, his father adored his granddaughter. There was a mercenary glow in both of their eyes when they looked at each other, he sometimes thought. But that was silly, since Lexine wasn't even a year old yet.
Lex kept the meeting as short as he could, keeping his father distracted with the business at hand so he wouldn't try to go after Clark again. It was a half an hour later when Lionel looked at the clock on the mantel and handed Lexine, who had been sleeping on his shoulder, back to Lex.
"That should be good enough for now. What are your plans for McKenna?"
"I'm going to liquidate the assets. I want it finished before Clark and I leave to go back to Smallville at the end of the week."
"Why are you going back there?"
"So Clark can be near his parents and out of the way of the … distractions of the city."
"Well, whatever. Just let me know when my grandsons get here."
"You'll be one of the first, Dad."
"Good." With that, Lionel picked up his briefcase and sauntered out of the office. Lex smiled at the sight of the spit-up, inelegantly drying down the back of his father's expensive suit coat.
"You're such a good girl," he cooed to his daughter. "Daddy's girl is so good. Let's go find Daddy."
Dr. Raymond Marston was the best obstetrician in Metropolis, but even he was known to his staff to start twitching as Clark Kent's appointments came around. He understood that the man was an alien, but the whole pregnancy thing was just... absurd.
As he looked at Clark's ultrasound, he swiveled in his chair to face Lex and Clark.
"Well, things look good, for six months. All three of the babies seem to be growing quite well.
Both men breathed a sigh of relief, and Marston was comforted by the fact that they were concerned, and from what he had seen of them with their daughter Lexine, loving parents.
"Was there anything else that you wanted to discuss?" Marston asked, getting a feeling they had something on their minds.
Lex looked at Clark, and then back at Marston. "We were wondering about a vasectomy," he finally said.
"Ahh. For you, Mr. Luthor?"
Lex looked kind of shocked. "Well, we were more thinking of when the babies were born..."
Marston stared at him. "Mr. Luthor, Mr. Kent. We don't even know how the hell the babies got there."
"But I thought it was just a matter of tying the tubes..."
"Which tube?" Marston asked in exasperation. "We tie a tube in him, he could end up peeing out his ear and ejaculating out his nose. No, if you want to have this kind of birth control, we're going to have to deal with the human body in the equation."
Lex looked nonplused. He looked at Clark.
"Don't look at me. I'm the one having triplets. You can damn well get your tubes tied."
"Clark..."
"That or buy into a latex company."
"We'll talk about this when we get home," he said soothingly.
"I'm not kidding, Lex."
"I know you aren't, love."
Marston watched the two men leave. Going into his next appointment, he sang softly under his breath, "snippity do dah, snippity aay..."
Disclaimer: All canon based Smallville characters belong to WB and/or DC Comics. I am making no money, just enjoying playing in the sandbox.
© EAS, April, 2002
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